30 Day Challenge
Day twenty-three - write a letter to someone. anyone
You asked me to write you a letter explaining. I said I wasn’t ready, I’m still not sure I am, however this challenge is providing me the an opportunity to not procrastinate with it any longer. All my life all I’ve ever wanted is to please you, make you proud of me, and to never disappoint you. I know I’ve let you down in ways before but nothing ever as big as this. I know this came as a shock to you. It came as a bit of a shock to me as well.. I never thought I would have the courage to come clean and do what I felt was right. The surprised look that people still get on their face when they find out still gets me. It scares me how good of an actress I became with hiding what I was truly feeling. The biggest secret I ever kept from anyone. Theres a guilt I still feel and will probably always feel when I open my jewelry box and see my rings I tied together with ribbon, or peek into the envelope of old photos, or even when his name is mentioned. An amazing friendship that should have never ended with marriage. I should have guessed right off the start how it would end. I was a blind and foolish young girl. I saw stability, a house, kids, getting ahead of my friends, making my parents proud of my choice in partner.. I saw no need to further my education, I could become a housewife like I always wanted and just skip a few chapters in my life. I didn’t want to look at the fact that there were missing key factors. The biggest being physical attraction. I tried. I tried so hard to find it and have it. Who knows. Maybe my own self-conscience told me to deal with it and settle. All I know for sure is that I didn’t want to end something that everyone thought was a perfect match, or ruin the already placed wedding plans. We had come so far.. how could I end it? What a fool.. If I had followed and listened to the nagging in my brain I could have saved us both.. and the family.. A lot of confusion and heart break. I knew it was there.. I knew I was making a mistake.. especially after the pre-marital guidance we did.. I even knew it when you tried to make me seriously stop and think. My mom and my best friend. why didn’t I listen? I was so immature and rushing things. Two years. Two years I tried to make it work. Tried to tell myself that going 6 months without sex was just a phase, even though I felt it was wrong when another newly wed couple was going on about how often they did it. I realized I should have gone to school, should have gone out and found independence before I tried to settle down with someone that was and is a great amazing guy that I had no physical attraction to. He deserves and can do better than me. He is a great guy. but he’s not my great guy. When I first left and you tried to get answers out of me I made up a bunch of crap because I was too embarrassed to admit the lack of physical attraction I had and that my reasons were selfish. I wasn’t happy. I wanted to be happy. I could pretend like I was any longer. Married life is a wonderful thing and hopefully maybe one day it will come for me. I have a fear now that I’ll be looked at as unreliable or that they’ll think “well why should I marry her when shes walked out on one guy already?”. I know I have my faults. I have a hard time with communicating and talking. I’d rather write and I need someone who will force me to talk. I don’t want to stand there quietly during arguments or end up yelling because I’ve let it all build up. I’m learning to find me, and to be me without letting someone change who I am. Learning to find the confidence I need to do things and get things done. I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t be able to pay for rent, or food, or school. I’m scared no guy will ever love me again because of the mistake I’ve made. but most of all I’m scared of how much I’ve disappointed you. I know I must live with the consequences of my actions. I’ve accepted that. Some days are harder then others. I miss always having someone to come home too, someone that would listen to my rants, opinion, or just my day without judging.. just caring, I don’t like the feeling of being alone, I don’t like waking up alone, I miss the random hugs or cuddles. There are things I miss. But as the days go by it gets a little bit easier day by day. I’m concentrating now on seeing how far I’ve come, and I’ve come very far. I hope one day I can make you proud again.
I love you mommy
